Saturday, November 23, 2013

Happy News

It's a boy!

I got a call from my doctor last night. She was calling to share the good news that all the blood work covered by insurance for women over 35 came back showing a healthy baby. And then she asked if I'd like to know the gender. Not expecting the offer, I said yes, and she said the tests showed a Y chromosome!

The head cold I caught in early October and couldn't shake seems to finally be wearing off. The terrible first trimester nausea has abated, and I can eat normally, for the most part. I woke up one day and realized that after months of aiming simply for survival, I feel ... good?

It's been a rough ride around here for what feels like a very long time (a few months really drags when you're continually sick and exhausted). And suddenly, things feel so much better! I want to sink deep into the happiness of this moment and wrap my arms around the future at the same time.

Thanksgiving is precisely on time this year.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


The leaves have all fallen from the trees. I woke to snow this morning, and was late for my 6am yoga class because I didn't get up in time to brush off the car. It wasn't the first frost of the season, but I still found myself blinking in disbelief.

I'm not sure what I expect. Summer to grace us with a few more days in mid-November? A chance to rake the fall leaves and winter-proof the yard before it's covered in white? That would be reasonable, but no. I want more than that. A reprieve. A pause button in time. A moment to catch up.

Winter's coming so fast, and I'm unprepared.

*   *   *

I'm pregnant.

It was an accident, if it can really be called an accident when it's the third potential accident in the last year. Probably doesn't qualify anymore at that point. But it came as a surprise that Saturday morning in August when the test strip turned immediately pink. And it's still coming as a surprise three months later; I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

Where will the baby sleep? We're short a bedroom. How will I run my business? I'm short-staffed. Who's paying for a maternity leave? I'm short on ideas. And savings.

I'm thrilled to have another baby, but oh, I'm so unprepared.

*   *   *

When I told my mom I was expecting, she said: I thought you had a plan! You were going to see how things went for a year with your business and then decide!

I smiled, but there were tears stepping hard on the heels of my smile, and I shrugged and choked out the only word I could say: Whoops!

She smiled and said: We had a couple of those, too.

I love my mom. She gave us a wonderful childhood, a life full of soft places to land, sweetness, and plenty of space to grow into ourselves. And you know, if asked to describe her, I'd probably never choose the word prepared.

*   *   *

Winter is coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Spring will follow, like it always does. And right around the time Easter arrives, so will my baby.

If the fall leaves get trapped under a blanket of snow, then so be it. If my maternity leave goes unfunded, it won't be the first or the last one to end up that way, I'm sure.

I can only put one foot in front of the other. I'm unprepared for the future, it's true. But I can get through today.

Maybe that's enough.