I took a nap today. Is that why I can't sleep? Is that a good sign? Does it mean I'm finally better? Will I be better when I wake up tomorrow? It's 2:11am, and I have no excuse for being awake whatsoever, so it had better mean something good. Maybe I won the lottery and even though I don't know it yet, I somehow subconsciously sense it, and it's keeping me awake. Maybe someone else bought me my winning ticket, since I don't play the lotto. They better not try to keep it, now that I've won. That would be so selfish. They bought it for me. I mean, I'll totally split it with them for buying me the ticket. They don't have to renege the offer like that. It had better be for a lot now that I have to split it. And do they tax lotto winnings? NY has notoriously high taxes. My winnings are already disappearing right before my eyes here. I haven't even gotten to buy myself a new fleecy outfit yet. This is just plain wrong.
My son just called out "APPLE!" in his sleep, then rolled over and resumed sleeping. A few minutes later I heard what sounded like his extra large noggin bumping against the wooden crib rail. Then he cried "DOH!" and went silent again. I am glad he is here to amuse me in my insomnia.
I would love being a stay-at-home-mom if my husband could simultaneously be a stay-at-home-dad. We are in the midst of a three day weekend, and I just want it to stretch into eternity. I think it would be a long time before we got bored. Especially because we have so many home repairs to do. I am madly in love with my house right now. I think it's because I'm picking paint colors in my mind. The entire inside of our home is a color my cousin dubbed "institutional white" the first time she came to visit. The description is so apt I have repeated it many times since. I very much enjoy imagining all the colors we might choose to paint the rooms. Chocolate brown, pale silver with white trim, meditteranean coral, brick red, sandy brown, slate grey with blue tile, sage green and ocean blue.
Perhaps if I go lie in bed and repeat paint colors it will lull me to sleep. But first I will tell a story of a recent premonition, so I have a record of the event to look back on.
When I was pregnant with my son I was referred for a shoulder x-ray because I had an injury. I didn't know I was pregnant yet and they asked me if there was any chance I might be pregnant. At first I said no, and then changed it to yes, realizing that there was a possibility, although it seemed unlikely, since we had barely started trying. They put me in a big leaded apron to protect my uterus and completed the x-rays. Later I found out I was pregnant at that time. Then, early in my pregnancy I awoke in the middle of the night and said aloud: Well, it's a boy. By the next morning I was no longer sure of the truth of this premonition, but I felt very certain at the time, and I turned out to be right. I think I only remember premonitions which later turn out to be right, and quickly forget all about the ones that turn out to be wrong. That's one reason I'm telling this story. If I turn out to be right, later I will have proof of my psychic powers (ha!). If I turn out to be wrong, I will be reminded of my own fallibility. Either way, no real harm done.
So earlier this week I was referred to a shoulder specialist because the injury from a few years ago has reoccurred. He wanted me to get an x-ray, so I told the tech there is a chance I could be pregnant, as I am trying to conceive, and she put the big leaded apron on me. Getting x-rayed again, for the same shoulder injury, with the same leaded apron, and the same uncertainty about the state of my procreative health gave me a feeling of deja vu. As I sat under the x-ray camera, holding my arm at the precise angle she had placed it, I had a premonition: there's a girl in there. And like last time, I feel entirely uncertain as to whether I should place any trust in this feeling. I suppose only time will tell. But if it does turn out to be true, perhaps I'll finally start to buy lottery tickets.