Alternate (and entirely more reflective of my own personal coping mechanisms of choice) Title: Lie, Lie, Lie and Deny or Go with Delusions of Grandeur: The Choice is Yours
WHEN MY EXPENSIVE BIKE IS STOLEN BECAUSE I LEFT IT UNLOCKED
It's a good thing I left it there for that lucky migrant worker to find. Imagine: he always wanted to give his son a bike, and never could afford to do so, despite his years of endless toil. Oh, his elation upon stumbling across mine, unlocked, so close to Christmas! A Christmas swiftly approaching, for which he could afford nothing--NOTHING AT ALL!--for his only son. And now: Christmas is saved by my stolen bike. His little boy's face will light up, angels will sing, and the spirit of Christmas will rise from the gutters and shimmer like gossamer in the light of the streetlamp, in the gently falling snow. And all because I left my bike unlocked. And it was stolen by that migrant worker, the best damn dad ever driven to desperate thievery in the history of all the world.
WHEN I MOVE INTO A FILTHY, DIRTY HOUSE WHERE I HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER SOMEONE ELSE'S DISGUSTING MESS
I'm like a Catholic saint right now, scrubbing this stranger's shit from the tile behind the toilet. This isn't gross at all. It's purifying. In fact, the very grossness of it enjoins me to all of mankind; do we not all shit, and bleed, and eventually die in puddles of disgusting bodily fluids? Are we not born in much the same way? Plus, I bet I'm a way better person than I was just a few minutes ago, when I started this task. God loves me way more, because I cleaned this disgusting house, which wasn't even my mess, and I didn't complain. I am so freakin' sanctified, it's not even funny.
WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HATING MY JOB
I don't even need to worry about this, because I'm going to go in tomorrow, and tell it like it is. I'll call a meeting, and I'll just put it all out there; tell everyone exactly what I think. I won't hold back; I'll be cutting and semi-sarcastic, but ultimately so honest and compelling they won't even be able to deny the very truth of what I'm saying. When I speak, it will be the beginning of the change that's been needed there for the longest time. I'll just put it all out there, everyone will hear me, and then...everything will change. You'll see. Just wait.
WHEN I DON'T FEEL LIKE WORKING OUT
[Something] hurts/feels bad. I shouldn't work out when I feel like this. No, I should rest, and maybe plan a workout to do in the future. I could plan out the ultimate, most perfect workout ever. That way tomorrow, or whenever I start doing it, it will be so effective that I'll see results in no time. No time at all. Yes, I should definitely sit (on the couch with a blanket!) and plan. That makes way more sense than pushing through some inferior workout. I need to plan the ultimate workout. Then start doing it next time. That's what I'll do. That is exactly what I'll do right now.
WHEN I REALIZE I HAVEN'T FELT LIKE WORKING OUT IN A LONG TIME AND I REALLY NEED TO WORK OUT MORE
Man, I need to work out. I haven't worked out in a long-ass time. I've let it go for so long now that I really need to jump in with both feet and do, like, the most ultimate workout ever. I should plan that. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll plan it, and then I'll start doing it regularly. I should definitely plan it soon. Real soon.
WHEN I WORRY ABOUT FUNDING FOR MY JOB BEING CUT IN THE ABSTRACT FUTURE
Well, if the funding gets cut, it's an obvious sign I'm meant to move on to some other career phase, right? I'll start teaching all kinds of exercise classes again, or start my own business, personal training, mind-body, who knows. I'll be in the best shape of my life. It will be worth it to be a little bit broke, because my body will be so bangin'. It'll be a blessing in disguise. I'll be older, but I will look better than I've ever looked before. So obviously, if the funding gets cut, it's just a message from the Universe that I'm meant to be hotter than ever. Right?
WHEN I DON'T FEEL LIKE PREPARING FOR SOMETHING I REALLY OUGHT TO PREPARE FOR
Sometimes, when you don't prepare, there's like this...flow...that happens, where everything just works out perfectly, with almost no effort at all. Maybe this will be one of those times. Yep, it probably will.
WHEN I BEGIN TO PANIC ABOUT MY EVENTUAL DEATH
Yo, self! Remember when you read about, and then subsequently performed that Native American death ritual, where you imagined your own death in specific and terrifying detail, right up through the end, and then the feeling of peace that came over you after you passed over to the other side in your imagination? If you're going to get all freaked out about death, just do that exercise again, to remember how peaceful death was, once you worked through the terror and the fear, and got to the other side. No? That took too long, and was too scary along the way? Plus it seems like a lot of work, all that imagining? Fine, then, stop thinking about it and shut the fuck up.
Mmmmmm, pizza. Pizza sounds sooooo good. I should totally go get some pizza right now.