Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Keeping Up Appearances

It's important to keep up appearances after you become a mother.  The appearance that your life is smoothly held together rather than a motley piecemeal mess gathered by staples, safety pins, and the odd wad of duct tape, the appearance that you give a flying fig about fashion and do not choose attire based on waistband flexibility alone, the appearance that you still maintain the time and effort to attend to your own personal hygiene and beauty now that little junior is the recipient of those long, nourishing nightly baths and the bottle of bubbles that used to be reserved for your own relaxation.

Well, today you're in luck, because I am here to share with you my own personal beauty routine!  It's easy, quick, and affordable.  Those are the only promises I am willing to put into print.  Here's how it works:

When you wake up in the morning too late for a proper shower including shampoo and conditioner, go ahead and indulge in the five minute scrub up and rinse off.  Just ignore that mop on top of your head, the same way you've been ignoring it for the past three days.  It'll be fine.  Afterward, in the unnecessarily bright light of the bathroom mirror, when you notice the sheen of grease lightly coating your lovely hair, decide that a slicked back ponytail would be a great look for today.  A slicked back ponytail is a classic, timeless style appropriate for everything from a casual day at home to a professional setting to a formal affair.  It has the added benefit of being the only hairstyle where excessive hair grease is beneficial!  I consider it my signature look.  Comb hair back with a fine-toothed comb, wrap in a rubber band (I use two rubber bands for the so-tight-I'll have-a-headache-when-I-take-this-out look.  Very becoming.), and viola!  You're ready to go!

Go ahead and leave the house with no makeup on at all.  Don't worry ladies!  I've got this under control!  I highly recommend keeping an assortment of lipsticks in the bottom of your purse.  Why an assortment?  Well, when you're trying to dig into your purse for lipstick, maneuver your car through city traffic, check on your son in the rearview mirror to make sure he's not eating your cell phone, which you swore you would stop giving him to play with after your husband told you some horror story about saliva entering into phone crevices and causing irreversible damage to either the phone or the child but you can't remember which one right now, and find NPR on your radio dial so you can keep up with current socio-political-economic-local events, it really helps to have an assortment of lipsticks bumping around down there for your fingers to find.

But LazyBones!  You promised affordable!  Lipstick is expensive!  How will I ever accumulate an assortment?

Worry not, my lovelies.  I have the best piece of affordable beauty advice you will ever be privy to right here at my frugal little fingertips:  buy your makeup at the Dollar Store.  It's just as good as Sephora.  Well, I've never actually tried Sephora because they don't sell it at the Dollar Store.  But I've heard it's fabulous.  And who could deny that a dollar for lipstick is fabulous?  So go ahead and grab one of babies from the bottom of your pocketbook and let's get to beautifying!

Our next step is best undertaken at a stoplight, as it is iffy at best to ensure proper application while steering.  Luckily, applying cosmetics the LazyBones way is quicker than a red light in most major metropolises.  Apply a diagonal lipstick line from the inner corner of your eye to your jawbone, midway between the ear and chin.  Repeat on the other cheek.  Then apply a dot of lipstick to your forehead, nose, and chin.  What, you thought lipstick was just for lips?  Not these days, my darlings!  If the light turns green and you are forced to accelerate through an intersection at this point, it can offer a nice face-saving self-esteem boost when you wave coquettishly at a construction crew as you roll past and they studiously ignore you.  It's not that you're getting older sweetheart, it's just the warpaint on your face!  Oh, right!  Of course!

Wait for the next red light, and then take the palm of your hand, open wide, bring it to your face and rub vigorously.  In just two short steps you've eliminated that pale, pasty look from your complexion and replaced it with a dewey, dollar store glow!  If you suffer from exessive undereye bags, go ahead and rub some more lipstick on those bad boys.  It can't hurt, right?  Finish up with a coat on your lips.

Now thank your lucky stars that your cosmetic routine is so quick and easy.  After all, you'll still need time to eat breakfast and possibly make a few phone calls--all from the driver's seat of your vehicle--before your morning commute is complete!  When you arrive at your destination, I find it's best not to do any last minute checking of your look in the mirror.  You really don't want to know how this has turned out.  Just be confident!  Confidence is key!  And remember:  You're never fully dressed without a smile!


  1. Dude - who let you become a mother without telling you about dry shampoo? It's a powder - shake in, comb out, grease gone. And I always use my lip gloss as blush and shadow ; )

  2. Dry shampoo!? Why didn't they cover this in my childbirth/babycare classes? Negligence on their part. Do you supposed they sell it at the Dollar Store?